I am terribly sorry for the silence my life has been going in spirals lately. But I am happy to always this I am a survivor and God has been so unbelievably kind to my beautiful soul. I recently lost my beloved father over a month ago. My tears are still running and my heart is still broken. It is all a nightmare to me and in between writing this blog I break down and cry because it hurts and stings at the same time. I honestly don’t know how to deal with grief; I am in an unfamiliar land. I really don’t know how to pick myself up from this place I am not even sure if I want to. My dad was the first man I truly loved and having him around made me feel safe and loved. But now that he is gone my life feels a lot empty with a hiss of great loss. I feel numb lately and I am terrified that this could trigger the anxiety and depression that I once had. I don’t desire whatsoever to go back into that God forsaken pit. I have lost a hero, my hero a true king, my king. He always reminded me of my roots and how beautiful I am. I learnt of my own beauty by seeing it through his amicable eyes.
He taught me what love is through his actions. He was generous and kind and he sought to see the best in people. Of course he had his flaws, but who doesn’t? He was a shaky parent to toddlers but an amazing father to young adults and adults. As they say like fine wine he matured through the years. As I grew older we got closer and closer and our relationship blossomed into a beautiful flower. I really miss my dad I really do. It hurts so bad typing this but hey I have to, simply because you guys are family my family. You have been so unbelievably supportive through my life journey and I am forever grateful. We shared a lot with my dad and that includes our birthday month February we are literally 3 days apart and the cherry on top is that they share the same birthday with my dear son. How fabulous is that? Talk about destiny! Each time I look at my son I smile because I know that he is an extension of my father’s legacy. The passing of my dad has certainly brought us closer as a family. We cry together, we laugh together; we are more united as one big family because he left an indispensable asset called L.O.V.E.
My prayer now is that we as a family can be able to stick together like glue in good and bad times because that is what families do. Before he died he emphasized on the truthful practice of selflessness and love. He said we should love each other in spite of ourselves. Now I totally understand what they meant when they said, “it’s not what you leave for your children that matters, it’s what you leave in them that matters.” My dad left us gold mines of wisdom that will surpass the end of time and my son is one lucky child to have such a rich mum. The nice part is that you guys can also benefit from this wealthy mother hahaha I always share with you my wisdom nuggets. So now you know one of the main sources of my intelligence. I love you guys I really do and don’t forget to spread the love. Till we chat again I pray that this grief will make me a way better person even though I am hurting.
He crawls into my bed every night curling his body next to mine accompanied by his heavy breathing
He breathes into my neck gently kissing my ear
The Lord knows that i know that he is not good for me
He is a liar a cheater a dishonest disloyal man
But here i am with my stupid self laying in his bed
Pretending not to care about my own reality
I was addicted to his lying scent it made me high
I wanted it i yearned for all his disloyalty
Every time i found out about his shenanigans it made me lust for him more and more
Yes i was painfully addicted to him
I fooled myself each day walking head held high believing my foolish mantra that he would change
Waking up to the reality that men like him don’t change threw me off a cliff
Every time he came home with a bag full of lies i welcomed him with loving arms
No not your conventional love no no
I loved him with my type of love the deceitful kind
I lusted to kill that man i wanted to kill him so bad
Kill him with my words shoot him dead with my confrontations and leave him stone cold dead with my permanent departure
But i never had the courage to leave then because that is what addicts do
Some never find their way back home some do and those that do will realize that home was always you!
Hey beautiful people. I wrote a piece recently called Dysfunctional addict. Enjoy reading it and don’t be afraid to relate to it. Your dysfunctional addiction may be clothed as a situation, a place, a thing or whatever it is. I embodied a human form but it can be anything. Enjoy reading and don’t be afraid to like and share. Love you guys take care!
The day I lost my senses was the day I became aware of my purpose. I was insanely sane but I was triggered to react in a very awful hostile manner to my then lover. He was tall pretty dark chocolaty to be precise and very charming. We dated for a couple of months almost a year. Things were going on great I was even introduced to his important family members and that made me feel wanted. It was at this time that I became comfortable and I had willingly sunk in the comfort zone of his tender black arms. His eyes mesmerized me each and every time I looked at him they had this innocent sparkle that was untraceable. I was in love guys and I was so convinced that he was my husband and we were going to spend eternity together. Fast forward to the day he laid his dirty hands on me. This day still leaves me speechless and in tears because he took what was mine that is my innocence. I was so wrapped in his lies that I could not see them seething behind his treacherous tongue. I bought all of them and I mean all of them all. Looking back now I see that I was so blindfolded by his so called love that I ignored all the warning signs.
On a sunny morning in Kariba during our summer camp he woke up on the wrong side of the sleeping bag and he was unrecognizably moody. I asked him what was wrong and he snapped at me giving me an awkward look of annoyance. Immediately being the stupid in love naïve me I began blaming myself thinking that I had done something wrong. I decided to take a walk in order to give him space to cool down in the back of my head I was recapping the moments that we had last. In my eyes I could not pick anything that I had done wrong I was nothing but a good girlfriend. Good girlfriend my foot that was the shit that got me into trouble. I was too nice too giving too available too needy too everything. He took advantage of this and became a monster that was now concerned in squeezing the life out of me. I walked back to our tent to find him taking a shower alone at the nearby lodge, this troubled me further because we always took showers together. He came back wet dripping water and that made me want to grab him and kiss him. As I reached for him he pushed me to the floor saying that I should not touch him with my filthy hands. I was beyond shook I was traumatized because that push made me bruise my left knee. ‘Kennedy what is the matter?’ I asked squeamishly. ‘You make me sick!’ he shouted.
Now my head was spinning my vision became blurry and my knees started shaking. He looked pale with anger he turned into this monster that I could hardly recognize. I wanted to run really fast but my feet would not move they were just numb and seemingly stuck in the sand. He grabbed me aggressively arm twisting me literally, I screamed for help then he covered my mouth with his drying towel leaving him butt naked. He called me a bitch and slapped the living daylights out of me. He accused me of having an affair with one of my co-workers. He said he had evidence that we were sleeping together. I was now feeling dizzy and I could not process his words in my numb brain. He beat me up so bad that he wanted to bury me in the sand. To this very moment reliving that experience makes me both angry and sad because he could have killed me. I am a survivor of the worst brutality I was innocent of his accusations yet he wanted to kill me. I was not having an affair with a married man that I work with, I was fully committed to Kennedy. But he did not see it he saw a stupid girl who followed him sheepishly and who had no backbone at all.
I later found out that he cheated on me numerous times even with his so called best friend. Finding out all these things stung so much that I sunk into a depressive hole that was filled with drugs and alcohol. He broke my spirit he took my innocence he took everything from me I was left for dead. Yes, I am a survivor and I have scars to prove how I won my battle. Guys gender based violence is real and it can happen inside our homes and outside our very doorstep. How can a man that I loved hurt me so bad physically? Zvinofamba sei? (how does it work). He lied when he said he loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. I became a laughing stock, instead of my close friends helping me they shut their doors in my face. Life became a living nightmare and I was living in the shadows of my own consequences of loving a man who is a coward. I can only speak for myself and never for everyone else. This is my survival story and I am glad I survived it all. It’s now easy for me to sleep at night knowing that my perpetrator is safe and sound behind bars. I thank him for directing me to my purpose of advocating against Gender based Violence (GBV) in a radical way. I feel wholesome when I am standing up for my sisters that have been bruised and abused by these no good for nothing sorry excuse of men. Till we journey again in my next post I love you guys and stay woke.
I am human I see, half human they see
You objectify me with your lustful eyes
Both men and women have the same vision
I see a whole woman You see a whole thing
My eyes mirror a different reflection
A reflection of what I desire to be
You thingify me with your words
Your diction pierces through my heart
I am human I say but you see an object
My ancestors value my humanity because it is in them that I find my true identity
They see a picture perfect human
You are close enough to wound me
I watch you objectify my presence
I am not here for long so yes I deserve to be valued
Do you not see the thing in you? They ask
No! I answer I see a wholesome woman
An edified strong unconquered woman
They have turned me into a perception of a perception a thing of a thing
I own myself and at any price may I gather the pieces that make me whole
My flaws, my imperfections and above all my insane love for self
You may call me broken, battered, bruised and wounded
Yet with all my brokenness it has become a place I call home
I have become stronger in my broken places
A thing they see
A whole being I see
I laugh harder at their interpretation of me now
Because I see myself as forever whole in the presence of their interpretations.
Sometimes life gets a bit overwhelming when people see you as less of a human and more of a thing. Its such a sad reality that people are now using people rather than using things. I wrote this piece as a reflection of what people do to people objectifying them belittling them and fitting them into a box. It hurts to know that the people that are close to us are the ones that are using us to their own advantage. Knowing your worth is important in any setting wear your crown everyday and don’t let anyone enslave you! Happy reading.
When he said he wanted to leave
I helped him pack his belongings
When he said he wanted space
I gave him the keys to the door
Love does not know how to hold
He was not happy with me
I gave him an amazing gift of space
That is the only way I knew how to love him
Even though he did not reciprocate
It stung a lot letting him go
But I had to liberate him from the shackles of my love
He was free finally from my love
My love suffocated him so he says
It was too real too genuine too authentic
But is that not the way to love anything?
Was I wrong to give it my all?
I really want to thank everyone who has supported me through my self discovery journey. This poem is my favourite and its part of my new upcoming book Vanilla essence. Please indulge!
Hey my beautiful friends it’s been a minute since we last spoke. Life has been pretty overwhelming and I have had to adjust and readjust certain things in my daily life. Today I want to talk about having a consistent routine when you are suffering from depression, anxiety and other mental health diseases. To be honest having a consistent routine when you are somewhat feeling anxious and depressed most of the time is a hustle. It’s hard to even keep your thoughts together what more a repetition of events more like a consistent to do list. I remember when I was still in university my life was filled with routines and to me it was overwhelming and I used to find myself cramped at a corner feeling inadequate and unable to finish a daily task. Whenever I failed at completing a task I labelled myself as a failure and well id turn to alcohol to comfort me even though the good feeling didn’t last long. I was so consumed in my work at times and I would become an over achiever in terms of finishing tasks. But that didn’t last long because I’d self-sabotage myself and end up not completing some vital tasks the next day. Following routines was particularly hard for me simply because I’d get easily bored and I wanted something that kept me on my toes, something more challenging, something more exhilarating.
This thing of wanting something more got me into enormous trouble because I was never satisfied with just chilling and following a simple routine. This is why I was always looking for my next high my next quick fix. I grew more loathsome of myself because after a night out drinking, in the morning I would feel like trash not because of the hang over but because of a void that I was trying to fill that could not be filled by any drug or drink. I used to genuinely admire my other peers who followed their routines consistently and seemed to progress well in life. It so happened that one fateful day I was sitting on my bed surfing the internet specifically watching random videos on YouTube I bumped into a channel called Be Inspired. I clicked on their first video and It was such an inspiring video it got me hooked. I remember these words by Will Smith, ‘self-discipline is equal to self-love.’ That was my aha moment and I felt goosebumps on my skin as I repeated those words. There was something magical about those words and they made me feel both bad and good. I was feeling bad because I knew I was not exercising self-discipline in some areas of my life meaning I did not love myself enough. It felt good because it was an answer to my prayer of asking God why I was in such a mess. Well let me say I knew I didn’t love myself enough to do the little things that drew me closer to my success. I was not keen to pursue my dreams anymore simply because I felt like I did not deserve all the good things life has to offer. It’s hard to see the actual reasons behind your bad habits, it takes a lot of confrontation and honesty. Dealing with depression and anxiety did not make things easy it was really hard. You know the simple things that you do of waking up, it became a hard job for me because I was not willing to face the day. I was not willing to do so. It was just downright hard for me.
I remember a well-known routine that I had developed was that of waking up in the morning crying before the day even started. It became such a familiar thing to do because after that hard cry I would wake up and start meditating on everything that could go wrong that day. I was depressed at night and anxious in the morning. In the evening I’d be depressed because I would have failed to do most of my tasks and in the morning id be anxious that I would not be able to accomplish any of my tasks. Life was hard man! Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes because I fought a battle that I did not know I was going to overcome eventually. Love is a beautiful thing. I learned slowly but surely to love myself. It was not easy but I overcame. When I started I accepting my flaws and being true to myself my life had a dramatic turn it changed for the better. It is true what they say about love it heals it restores. I became a better version of myself just by taking little baby love steps towards myself. I never knew a love like that for self existed and it is both magical and liberating. I hope this part of my story helped someone realize their worth and yes it is truly okay to love yourself despite what you have been through. Keep practicing this wonderful act of self-love and you will notice your life positively changing. Always remember Love never fails.