Blood splattered out of my mouth I was almost unconscious lying on the floor with tears rolling down my cheek. He slapped the living daylight out of me and I could not believe what had happened. Still in that moment of trying to gather my tears from the ground he manhandled my arm pulling me to his face. My face was bruised my heart was beating so hard I was about to pass out. This is a glimpse of a physical abuse I once encountered at college.
This story still brings chills down my spine because even to this day I still can’t believe that I was once a victim of physical abuse. I’d want to tell you the whole story but it’s definitely for another day. I only want to take the important part of it. Many women are suffering abuse whether it be physical, sexual, emotional, verbal just to mention a few. I remember thinking of my son in that very moment my face was kissing the ground. I even recall muttering to myself saying “my son will never be such a coward”. It all happened so swiftly that now as I replay the incident a lot did happen.
We as women grow up being told to be strong in any situation yet the truth is literally hidden from us by those that bring us up. It’s not only okay to be weak in moments like mine but highly beneficial to our mental well being. Remembering what I was taught growing up I blamed myself for putting me in a situation where I could be taken advantage of by a man. For the longest time I buried that moment that I felt weak and vulnerable because I was ashamed. I never told any of my friends or family that I was abused because yes I blamed myself. I then hid those unworthy vulnerable feelings under my mental carpet but I never moved from that moment. I was still there still hurting still crying still blaming myself but the difference now is that it was all inside.
Moving around with such a load can only result in weighing you down. But I wanted to move I wanted that load off I wanted to live again. It was difficult to go back in that moment where I left everything my confidence my dignity my pride and my mind even. But I had to go back I had to fix my pain and change it to my gain. When I went back to that moment where it all begun it was cold and heavy and lonely. I began to feel what I felt that time when I was abused it was hard I won’t lie but I had to go back and pick myself up. I began crawling back to sanity still am and it’s a process I’d rather not speed up. I am so proud of myself that I went back to the place it hurts the most so that I can move on and be whole again. I am a work in progress but still I want to talk to everyone reading this you are stronger than you think and you can rise from whatever floor you left yourself on. It’s never too late to go back and honestly deal with what broke you whether it be a person, a thing whatever it is you can still rise up and be whole again. All you need to do is pick yourself up from the moment you think you lost it all and start moving from there. Even if it’s crawling as long as you move past your mistakes, abuse whatever it may be never play the blame game. I love you guys and this is another piece to my puzzle story!