Self-condemnation

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Hopes and aspirations shuttered I felt I was to blame for my closed doors. Here I am squirming and screaming inside myself because I let myself down for the hundredth time. The easiest drug I could take although it was a tough pill to swallow is condemnation. I was terrified by the mere existence of my own being that I began blaming myself for all my shortcomings. Being a single parent to an amazing little boy is bittersweet in all its glory which used to be framed with self-condemnation. I’m so happy to be able to stand in front of you with this confident mic (my pen) in my beautiful hands boldly saying that I am a survivor of this tragedy. I used to immense myself in ice cold water in a bathtub as an attempt to numb my thoughts and freeze people’s expectations, opinions and judgements. I became addicted to condemning myself even with the slightest of mistakes.

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It all began when I got pregnant and my world literally turned upside down. Relationships changed, drama flooded and my whole life became a rollercoaster ride. Judgements were flying in and out of the window people said a whole lot of crap and what stood out the most for me was the very people that I called my ride or die were the number one condemners. My life went through a series of cold fronts that were practically inevitable but I was able to hold on to my baby’s kicks. This for me was assurance from the universe that I could make it just another day but inside I was depreciating with self-condemnation. On the outside I was as strong as a rock itself I was faking it till I made it. My heart was bleeding it was hurting from abandonment and knowing that I was in this parenthood journey alone tore me apart. He left us stone cold and it’s pretty funny how they sell these dreams to us making us believe that forever is what we are meant for yet that’s far from the truth. My advice would be, don’t make permanent decisions with temporary people because when your kids are old enough and calculative they will want answers.

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I’m just so grateful that I managed to pick myself up from the ashes of my life and become so happy and fulfilled. I’m also glad that I talk about my journey now with no slight bit of bitterness just recalling how God has managed to heal the darkest parts of me. That lump that was once in my throat has completely vanished and it’s all because I forgave myself first before anyone or anything else and it’s certainly a breathe of fresh air. Don’t let self-condemnation get the most out of you because before you know it your life goes by so swiftly that you will realise later on a rocking chair and you are 80 drinking some tea in utter regret wishing you could have made better decisions.  We don’t want that do we?

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Live your best life now be the best version of yourself now not tomorrow or the day after. It takes a lot of work I know but trust me because I’ve been there it’s all worth it all of it! You may not feel good today but best believe that time does wanders it heals the deepest parts of our souls that have been stretched. Always know that you are a work in progress a total masterpiece heavenly orchestrated, no matter what you are going through or who said what about your dear life. Opinions ain’t facts your own opinion is what matters the most period! What you say and think of your self is the only truth that matters. Don’t let self-condemnation steal your happiness and dreams. Go ahead and conquer the world with as much sass accompanied with all those flaws that is what makes you beautiful and unique. #OwnYourScars

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