Sitting on the tiled cold floor I could literally hear my heart pounding in my own chest. I was terrified of what seemed at that time as a normal bad habit not knowing that I had dived into an addiction. Not long ago before this incident I was a good social alcohol drinker who seemed to have it under control. I watched myself happy and lifted whenever I drank a little more than required, I became more social, more quizzical, more intelligent and more rewardingly more confident. I lived for moments like these were I could just be myself and not care about my next moment. The people I hung out with seemed to like the high me and they said the cheesy statement, ” you are more fun when u are drunk”. On days when I was sober I sunk into depression as that statement, silly though but it affected my own self-esteem and it deteriorated by the day.
To be honest I do not have an exact date that I can point out and say this is the day that I became totally dependent on alcohol. Everything happened so damn fast that I remember glimpses and moments that I was sober other times I was just tipsy-drunk. Funny thing is noone ever noticed that I was abusing alcohol until I hit a low and I got admitted into hospital for substance overdose when I was in university. This is the first time me telling anyone truthfully about the reason I got admitted in hospital, even my mum doesn’t know about this.
This sends a chill down my spine but I am going to tell it anyway because I am a survivor and I surely want to help someone who is suffering from an addiction to rise above their addiction. It’s not an easy road it’s bumpy stony curved and sometimes you can go in circles for a long time. It’s pretty hard to come to terms with the fact that you an addict of any sought most times we hide beneath a thick carpet of fake living that we end up tired and exhausted, feeling drained and unhappy. My turn around moment was when I almost died in that hospital. That is when I put my feet down and I said to myself I deserve better treatment of myself than this crap. But listen I didn’t go cold turkey cause I knew it wouldn’t work. So I decided to do 21 days of not drinking and if it works positively I’m quitting for good. Those were the worst 21 days of my life I was having withdrawal symptoms, sweating like a pig I couldn’t sleep I was restless. My life was just messy!
A mistake I made was bumping into a stupid article that recommended getting over an addiction with a new addiction. Guess what, at that time I thought it was the best idea ever and I decided to substitute alcohol with marijuana. I even feel like slapping myself right now for making such a dumb decision. Okay but to be honest weed did help me stabilize a little and I could sleep and my appetite was back. After the 21 days I felt like a hero not knowing that a new addiction had creeped in. Now I couldn’t do without marijuana and for the life of me I sunk into depression and begun having massive anxiety attacks. At that point in my life I knew I needed professional help but I didn’t love myself enough to go out and seek for it. I was literally stuck in a rut. Things got worse I was now juggling alcohol, marijuana and school. Everything just seemed so consuming I wanted to die because I had relapsed and failed myself again… TO BE CONTINUED!