Hey my beautiful friends it’s been a minute since we last spoke. Life has been pretty overwhelming and I have had to adjust and readjust certain things in my daily life. Today I want to talk about having a consistent routine when you are suffering from depression, anxiety and other mental health diseases. To be honest having a consistent routine when you are somewhat feeling anxious and depressed most of the time is a hustle. It’s hard to even keep your thoughts together what more a repetition of events more like a consistent to do list. I remember when I was still in university my life was filled with routines and to me it was overwhelming and I used to find myself cramped at a corner feeling inadequate and unable to finish a daily task. Whenever I failed at completing a task I labelled myself as a failure and well id turn to alcohol to comfort me even though the good feeling didn’t last long. I was so consumed in my work at times and I would become an over achiever in terms of finishing tasks. But that didn’t last long because I’d self-sabotage myself and end up not completing some vital tasks the next day. Following routines was particularly hard for me simply because I’d get easily bored and I wanted something that kept me on my toes, something more challenging, something more exhilarating.
This thing of wanting something more got me into enormous trouble because I was never satisfied with just chilling and following a simple routine. This is why I was always looking for my next high my next quick fix. I grew more loathsome of myself because after a night out drinking, in the morning I would feel like trash not because of the hang over but because of a void that I was trying to fill that could not be filled by any drug or drink. I used to genuinely admire my other peers who followed their routines consistently and seemed to progress well in life. It so happened that one fateful day I was sitting on my bed surfing the internet specifically watching random videos on YouTube I bumped into a channel called Be Inspired. I clicked on their first video and It was such an inspiring video it got me hooked. I remember these words by Will Smith, ‘self-discipline is equal to self-love.’ That was my aha moment and I felt goosebumps on my skin as I repeated those words. There was something magical about those words and they made me feel both bad and good. I was feeling bad because I knew I was not exercising self-discipline in some areas of my life meaning I did not love myself enough. It felt good because it was an answer to my prayer of asking God why I was in such a mess. Well let me say I knew I didn’t love myself enough to do the little things that drew me closer to my success. I was not keen to pursue my dreams anymore simply because I felt like I did not deserve all the good things life has to offer. It’s hard to see the actual reasons behind your bad habits, it takes a lot of confrontation and honesty. Dealing with depression and anxiety did not make things easy it was really hard. You know the simple things that you do of waking up, it became a hard job for me because I was not willing to face the day. I was not willing to do so. It was just downright hard for me.
I remember a well-known routine that I had developed was that of waking up in the morning crying before the day even started. It became such a familiar thing to do because after that hard cry I would wake up and start meditating on everything that could go wrong that day. I was depressed at night and anxious in the morning. In the evening I’d be depressed because I would have failed to do most of my tasks and in the morning id be anxious that I would not be able to accomplish any of my tasks. Life was hard man! Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes because I fought a battle that I did not know I was going to overcome eventually. Love is a beautiful thing. I learned slowly but surely to love myself. It was not easy but I overcame. When I started I accepting my flaws and being true to myself my life had a dramatic turn it changed for the better. It is true what they say about love it heals it restores. I became a better version of myself just by taking little baby love steps towards myself. I never knew a love like that for self existed and it is both magical and liberating. I hope this part of my story helped someone realize their worth and yes it is truly okay to love yourself despite what you have been through. Keep practicing this wonderful act of self-love and you will notice your life positively changing. Always remember Love never fails.