The day I lost my senses was the day I became aware of my purpose. I was insanely sane but I was triggered to react in a very awful hostile manner to my then lover. He was tall pretty dark chocolaty to be precise and very charming. We dated for a couple of months almost a year. Things were going on great I was even introduced to his important family members and that made me feel wanted. It was at this time that I became comfortable and I had willingly sunk in the comfort zone of his tender black arms. His eyes mesmerized me each and every time I looked at him they had this innocent sparkle that was untraceable. I was in love guys and I was so convinced that he was my husband and we were going to spend eternity together. Fast forward to the day he laid his dirty hands on me. This day still leaves me speechless and in tears because he took what was mine that is my innocence. I was so wrapped in his lies that I could not see them seething behind his treacherous tongue. I bought all of them and I mean all of them all. Looking back now I see that I was so blindfolded by his so called love that I ignored all the warning signs.
On a sunny morning in Kariba during our summer camp he woke up on the wrong side of the sleeping bag and he was unrecognizably moody. I asked him what was wrong and he snapped at me giving me an awkward look of annoyance. Immediately being the stupid in love naïve me I began blaming myself thinking that I had done something wrong. I decided to take a walk in order to give him space to cool down in the back of my head I was recapping the moments that we had last. In my eyes I could not pick anything that I had done wrong I was nothing but a good girlfriend. Good girlfriend my foot that was the shit that got me into trouble. I was too nice too giving too available too needy too everything. He took advantage of this and became a monster that was now concerned in squeezing the life out of me. I walked back to our tent to find him taking a shower alone at the nearby lodge, this troubled me further because we always took showers together. He came back wet dripping water and that made me want to grab him and kiss him. As I reached for him he pushed me to the floor saying that I should not touch him with my filthy hands. I was beyond shook I was traumatized because that push made me bruise my left knee. ‘Kennedy what is the matter?’ I asked squeamishly. ‘You make me sick!’ he shouted.
Now my head was spinning my vision became blurry and my knees started shaking. He looked pale with anger he turned into this monster that I could hardly recognize. I wanted to run really fast but my feet would not move they were just numb and seemingly stuck in the sand. He grabbed me aggressively arm twisting me literally, I screamed for help then he covered my mouth with his drying towel leaving him butt naked. He called me a bitch and slapped the living daylights out of me. He accused me of having an affair with one of my co-workers. He said he had evidence that we were sleeping together. I was now feeling dizzy and I could not process his words in my numb brain. He beat me up so bad that he wanted to bury me in the sand. To this very moment reliving that experience makes me both angry and sad because he could have killed me. I am a survivor of the worst brutality I was innocent of his accusations yet he wanted to kill me. I was not having an affair with a married man that I work with, I was fully committed to Kennedy. But he did not see it he saw a stupid girl who followed him sheepishly and who had no backbone at all.
I later found out that he cheated on me numerous times even with his so called best friend. Finding out all these things stung so much that I sunk into a depressive hole that was filled with drugs and alcohol. He broke my spirit he took my innocence he took everything from me I was left for dead. Yes, I am a survivor and I have scars to prove how I won my battle. Guys gender based violence is real and it can happen inside our homes and outside our very doorstep. How can a man that I loved hurt me so bad physically? Zvinofamba sei? (how does it work). He lied when he said he loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. I became a laughing stock, instead of my close friends helping me they shut their doors in my face. Life became a living nightmare and I was living in the shadows of my own consequences of loving a man who is a coward. I can only speak for myself and never for everyone else. This is my survival story and I am glad I survived it all. It’s now easy for me to sleep at night knowing that my perpetrator is safe and sound behind bars. I thank him for directing me to my purpose of advocating against Gender based Violence (GBV) in a radical way. I feel wholesome when I am standing up for my sisters that have been bruised and abused by these no good for nothing sorry excuse of men. Till we journey again in my next post I love you guys and stay woke.
I am human I see, half human they see
You objectify me with your lustful eyes
Both men and women have the same vision
I see a whole woman You see a whole thing
My eyes mirror a different reflection
A reflection of what I desire to be
You thingify me with your words
Your diction pierces through my heart
I am human I say but you see an object
My ancestors value my humanity because it is in them that I find my true identity
They see a picture perfect human
You are close enough to wound me
I watch you objectify my presence
I am not here for long so yes I deserve to be valued
Do you not see the thing in you? They ask
No! I answer I see a wholesome woman
An edified strong unconquered woman
They have turned me into a perception of a perception a thing of a thing
I own myself and at any price may I gather the pieces that make me whole
My flaws, my imperfections and above all my insane love for self
You may call me broken, battered, bruised and wounded
Yet with all my brokenness it has become a place I call home
I have become stronger in my broken places
A thing they see
A whole being I see
I laugh harder at their interpretation of me now
Because I see myself as forever whole in the presence of their interpretations.
Sometimes life gets a bit overwhelming when people see you as less of a human and more of a thing. Its such a sad reality that people are now using people rather than using things. I wrote this piece as a reflection of what people do to people objectifying them belittling them and fitting them into a box. It hurts to know that the people that are close to us are the ones that are using us to their own advantage. Knowing your worth is important in any setting wear your crown everyday and don’t let anyone enslave you! Happy reading.
When he said he wanted to leave
I helped him pack his belongings
When he said he wanted space
I gave him the keys to the door
Love does not know how to hold
He was not happy with me
I gave him an amazing gift of space
That is the only way I knew how to love him
Even though he did not reciprocate
It stung a lot letting him go
But I had to liberate him from the shackles of my love
He was free finally from my love
My love suffocated him so he says
It was too real too genuine too authentic
But is that not the way to love anything?
Was I wrong to give it my all?
I really want to thank everyone who has supported me through my self discovery journey. This poem is my favourite and its part of my new upcoming book Vanilla essence. Please indulge!
Hey my beautiful friends it’s been a minute since we last spoke. Life has been pretty overwhelming and I have had to adjust and readjust certain things in my daily life. Today I want to talk about having a consistent routine when you are suffering from depression, anxiety and other mental health diseases. To be honest having a consistent routine when you are somewhat feeling anxious and depressed most of the time is a hustle. It’s hard to even keep your thoughts together what more a repetition of events more like a consistent to do list. I remember when I was still in university my life was filled with routines and to me it was overwhelming and I used to find myself cramped at a corner feeling inadequate and unable to finish a daily task. Whenever I failed at completing a task I labelled myself as a failure and well id turn to alcohol to comfort me even though the good feeling didn’t last long. I was so consumed in my work at times and I would become an over achiever in terms of finishing tasks. But that didn’t last long because I’d self-sabotage myself and end up not completing some vital tasks the next day. Following routines was particularly hard for me simply because I’d get easily bored and I wanted something that kept me on my toes, something more challenging, something more exhilarating.
This thing of wanting something more got me into enormous trouble because I was never satisfied with just chilling and following a simple routine. This is why I was always looking for my next high my next quick fix. I grew more loathsome of myself because after a night out drinking, in the morning I would feel like trash not because of the hang over but because of a void that I was trying to fill that could not be filled by any drug or drink. I used to genuinely admire my other peers who followed their routines consistently and seemed to progress well in life. It so happened that one fateful day I was sitting on my bed surfing the internet specifically watching random videos on YouTube I bumped into a channel called Be Inspired. I clicked on their first video and It was such an inspiring video it got me hooked. I remember these words by Will Smith, ‘self-discipline is equal to self-love.’ That was my aha moment and I felt goosebumps on my skin as I repeated those words. There was something magical about those words and they made me feel both bad and good. I was feeling bad because I knew I was not exercising self-discipline in some areas of my life meaning I did not love myself enough. It felt good because it was an answer to my prayer of asking God why I was in such a mess. Well let me say I knew I didn’t love myself enough to do the little things that drew me closer to my success. I was not keen to pursue my dreams anymore simply because I felt like I did not deserve all the good things life has to offer. It’s hard to see the actual reasons behind your bad habits, it takes a lot of confrontation and honesty. Dealing with depression and anxiety did not make things easy it was really hard. You know the simple things that you do of waking up, it became a hard job for me because I was not willing to face the day. I was not willing to do so. It was just downright hard for me.
I remember a well-known routine that I had developed was that of waking up in the morning crying before the day even started. It became such a familiar thing to do because after that hard cry I would wake up and start meditating on everything that could go wrong that day. I was depressed at night and anxious in the morning. In the evening I’d be depressed because I would have failed to do most of my tasks and in the morning id be anxious that I would not be able to accomplish any of my tasks. Life was hard man! Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes because I fought a battle that I did not know I was going to overcome eventually. Love is a beautiful thing. I learned slowly but surely to love myself. It was not easy but I overcame. When I started I accepting my flaws and being true to myself my life had a dramatic turn it changed for the better. It is true what they say about love it heals it restores. I became a better version of myself just by taking little baby love steps towards myself. I never knew a love like that for self existed and it is both magical and liberating. I hope this part of my story helped someone realize their worth and yes it is truly okay to love yourself despite what you have been through. Keep practicing this wonderful act of self-love and you will notice your life positively changing. Always remember Love never fails.
When it comes to you I bend backwards forward
You make me feel annoited to be with you
When the lights go out your presence light up my soul
You are the fire to my soul my ever present ‘need’
Switch up to reality!
I talk as if you are still around filling up the void you left
You left with no goodbye just a trail of torn memories
I say torn cause picking up every piece is hard I only pick the ones that look like flowers
Some pieces add up some pieces cramble as they refuse to pick themselves up
It hurts me to say but yes you were my backbone my only reason for survival my ever present antidote
But now I am glad that you have become something I would love to forget
A burnt memory, ashes to ashes my darling!
It was a cold windy morning woke up at 3a.m. feeling hot flushes. I felt I had had a bad dream that I could not remember at that time. My heart was pounding very fast and I could not breath properly. I found myself panicking looking for air to calm myself down. An hour went by and my breathing became heavy but my heart was beating steadily. I could not comprehend what my mind was thinking but I knew I was in panic mode. When the sun came out and dawn came to my rescue I felt better physically but mentally my mind was still wandering. I made myself a cup of coffee whilst I waited for my son to wake up. I knew something was wrong but I did not know what it was. My mind started exaggerating events and I began panicking again this time I was thinking my son wouldn’t wake up from his sleep.
Before a second thought could make its grand entrance I was already racing through my hall towards my bedroom. I got there out of breathe just to see my son on the bed singing. I was more than relieved to find him alive. At this very moment that is when I realised that I was somewhat losing it. But why was I in this mind space? I let that incident slip and half way through the day I became very anxious of little and big things. I was anxious about my health, my cooking, my parenting skills, my laugh, my education, my relationships. Almost every single detail of my life. Every time this happened I’d get shortness of breathe and my mind would go ballistic. I was so afraid of my tomorrow I was so anxious about everything. My friends were graduating some getting married some travelling the world some finding their passion and here I was feeling inadequate and feeling left behind.
These attacks would happen pretty often and they were affecting my life terribly. I became moody and my whole being wasn’t glowing anymore. Life’s little pleasures were no longer exciting to me everything was just dim and dull. One sunny day I literally bumped into my high school Bible and my whole life changed. Holding it in my hand I was like why not just open it since I’m in search of answers. It was a Gideons Bible, I don’t know if you guys know it. Whilst I was flipping through the first pages I read a page that said Help in time of need and underneath the title were a number of problems people go through alongside the verses that helped ease the pain. And to my delight I saw were it said Anxiety then underneath were verses. My fingers ran through it in search of these verses and I found one that calmed my storm and gave me a sense of peace and reassurance. Philipians 4 vs 6;7 which says, “do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the pain peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
These verses as I read them out loud had a balm effect on my troubled soul. An inexplicable sense of happiness was over me and I became calm and collected. Guys this worked for me and every time my world felt overwhelming I would sit down in a quiet environment and speak to my soul with these great words. I tell no lie this is the only remedy I used to my anxiety attacks and it has been helpful. I recommend them to you too when you feel a little anxious about life.
Stay blessed and remember that you are more than a conqueror!