Love never fails…

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Hey my beautiful friends it’s been a minute since we last spoke. Life has been pretty overwhelming and I have had to adjust and readjust certain things in my daily life. Today I want to talk about having a consistent routine when you are suffering from depression, anxiety and other mental health diseases. To be honest having a consistent routine when you are somewhat feeling anxious and depressed most of the time is a hustle. It’s hard to even keep your thoughts together what more a repetition of events more like a consistent to do list. I remember when I was still in university my life was filled with routines and to me it was overwhelming and I used to find myself cramped at a corner feeling inadequate and unable to finish a daily task. Whenever I failed at completing a task I labelled myself as a failure and well id turn to alcohol to comfort me even though the good feeling didn’t last long. I was so consumed in my work at times and I would become an over achiever in terms of finishing tasks. But that didn’t last long because I’d self-sabotage myself and end up not completing some vital tasks the next day. Following routines was particularly hard for me simply because I’d get easily bored and I wanted something that kept me on my toes, something more challenging, something more exhilarating.

This thing of wanting something more got me into enormous trouble because I was never satisfied with just chilling and following a simple routine. This is why I was always looking for my next high my next quick fix. I grew more loathsome of myself because after a night out drinking, in the morning I would feel like trash not because of the hang over but because of a void that I was trying to fill that could not be filled by any drug or drink. I used to genuinely admire my other peers who followed their routines consistently and seemed to progress well in life. It so happened that one fateful day I was sitting on my bed surfing the internet specifically watching random videos on YouTube I bumped into a channel called Be Inspired. I clicked on their first video and It was such an inspiring video it got me hooked. I remember these words by Will Smith, ‘self-discipline is equal to self-love.’ That was my aha moment and I felt goosebumps on my skin as I repeated those words. There was something magical about those words and they made me feel both bad and good. I was feeling bad because I knew I was not exercising self-discipline in some areas of my life meaning I did not love myself enough. It felt good because it was an answer to my prayer of asking God why I was in such a mess. Well let me say I knew I didn’t love myself enough to do the little things that drew me closer to my success. I was not keen to pursue my dreams anymore simply because I felt like I did not deserve all the good things life has to offer. It’s hard to see the actual reasons behind your bad habits, it takes a lot of confrontation and honesty. Dealing with depression and anxiety did not make things easy it was really hard. You know the simple things that you do of waking up, it became a hard job for me because I was not willing to face the day. I was not willing to do so. It was just downright hard for me.

I remember a well-known routine that I had developed was that of waking up in the morning crying before the day even started. It became such a familiar thing to do because after that hard cry I would wake up and start meditating on everything that could go wrong that day. I was depressed at night and anxious in the morning. In the evening I’d be depressed because I would have failed to do most of my tasks and in the morning id be anxious that I would not be able to accomplish any of my tasks. Life was hard man! Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes because I fought a battle that I did not know I was going to overcome eventually. Love is a beautiful thing. I learned slowly but surely to love myself. It was not easy but I overcame. When I started I accepting my flaws and being true to myself my life had a dramatic turn it changed for the better. It is true what they say about love it heals it restores. I became a better version of myself just by taking little baby love steps towards myself. I never knew a love like that for self existed and it is both magical and liberating. I hope this part of my story helped someone realize their worth and yes it is truly okay to love yourself despite what you have been through. Keep practicing this wonderful act of self-love and you will notice your life positively changing. Always remember Love never fails.

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Backbone Poem…

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When it comes to you I bend backwards forward

You make me feel annoited to be with you

When the lights go out your presence light up my soul

You are the fire to my soul my ever present ‘need’

Switch up to reality!

I talk as if you are still around filling up the void you left

You left with no goodbye just a trail of torn memories

I say torn cause picking up every piece is hard I only pick the ones that look like flowers

Some pieces add up some pieces cramble as they refuse to pick themselves up

It hurts me to say but yes you were my backbone my only reason for survival my ever present antidote

But now I am glad that you have become something I would love to forget

A burnt memory, ashes to ashes my darling!

My truth about anxiety attacks.

It was a cold windy morning woke up at 3a.m. feeling hot flushes. I felt I had had a bad dream that I could not remember at that time. My heart was pounding very fast and I could not breath properly. I found myself panicking looking for air to calm myself down. An hour went by and my breathing became heavy but my heart was beating steadily. I could not comprehend what my mind was thinking but I knew I was in panic mode. When the sun came out and dawn came to my rescue I felt better physically but mentally my mind was still wandering. I made myself a cup of coffee whilst  I waited for my son to wake up. I knew something was wrong but I did not know what it was. My mind started exaggerating events and I began panicking again this time I was thinking my son wouldn’t wake up from his sleep.

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Before a second thought could make its grand entrance I was already racing through my hall towards my bedroom. I got there out of breathe just to see my son on the bed singing. I was more than relieved to find him alive. At this very moment that is when I realised that I was somewhat losing it. But why was I in this mind space? I let that incident slip and half way through the day I became very anxious of little and big things. I was anxious about my health, my cooking, my parenting skills, my laugh, my education, my relationships. Almost every single detail of my life.  Every time this happened I’d get shortness of breathe and my mind would go ballistic. I was so afraid of my tomorrow I was so anxious about everything. My friends were graduating some getting married some travelling the world some finding their passion and here I was feeling  inadequate and feeling left behind.

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These  attacks would happen pretty often and they were affecting my life terribly. I became moody and my whole being  wasn’t glowing anymore. Life’s little pleasures were no longer exciting to me everything was just dim and dull. One sunny day I literally bumped into my high school Bible and my whole life changed. Holding it in my hand I was like why not just open it since I’m in search of answers. It was a Gideons Bible, I don’t know if you guys know it. Whilst I was flipping through the first pages I read a page  that said Help in time of need and underneath the title were a number of problems people go through alongside the verses that helped ease the pain. And to my delight I saw were it said Anxiety then underneath were verses. My fingers ran through it in search of these verses and I found one that calmed my storm and gave me a sense of peace and reassurance. Philipians 4 vs 6;7 which says, “do not be anxious about anything  but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the pain peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

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These verses as I read them out loud had a balm effect on my troubled soul. An inexplicable sense of happiness was over me and I became calm and collected. Guys this worked for me and every time my world felt overwhelming I would sit down in a quiet environment and speak to my soul with these great words. I tell no lie this is the only remedy I used to my anxiety attacks and it has been helpful. I recommend them to you too when you feel a little anxious about life.
Stay blessed and remember that you are more than a conqueror!

Stay in your damn lane…

 

Are you feeling behind in life? Somewhat left out. Its not okay to feel that way, I know you have heard a lot of people saying its okay to feel that way, well its not. Why I say so is because your life is a different path from the other person your timelines are different. Everything is different! Trust and believe that your life will turn out beautifully. I was once stuck in the whole I feel behind rut and for the longest time I used self condemnation on a daily basis. I’ll tell you this, its hard its not easy waking up and feeling like crap. The art of motivation on the other hand is simple. Stay in your lane run your own race focus on yourself. This is easier said than done with all the social media hype where you see basically everyone “flourishing”. Weddings pop up on your timeline children being born graduations being held cars being bought apartments being furnished.

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I mean its a lot to take in and the pressure mounts leaving you drained and feeling somewhat behind. Don’t get me wrong its okay to be motivated by these things but never I’ll repeat this never feel the need to compete with the next person because your life scripts are totally different. We are brewing the most codependent generation of all times that’s dependent on social media as a measuring stick just to measure and guide our life success. Girl or boy seat your a$$ down and run your own race. Concentrate on if you are better than yesterday and the only competition you have is YOU! Now lets take a look at the naysayers the ones that said or still saying you will never add up to anything. Its definitely okay to be angry  to feel sad to cry. Use their negative words negative energy to build yourself up use it as fuel to motivate  you to be motivated to be the best version of yourself. I’m a strong believer in people that have had a hard time growing up because those people will spring up to be amazing people who are successful in their own beautiful way.

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Don’t let instagram fool you into thinking people live a perfect life. No they don’t! They only show you the perfect parts of their life but that doesn’t  make their entire lives perfect. We all have ugly days bad hair days waking up feeling lonely anxious unwanted we all have those days but they don’t show you that because its not attractive and they are trying to maintain an ‘image’. Never think your life is the worst cause believe me it ain’t. Be grateful for the little things that you have and you will see God add more to your life. Stop chasing material fulfillment instead aspire to be spiritually fulfilled. Be a soulful being full of soul and character. Take each day as it comes block by block you will get to where you need to be. Destinies are different focus on yours and you will see that you will live a happy life which is way better than the so called perfect social media life.

If you don’t embrace who you are and accept who you are, you won’t be able to live a happy life. – Ciara

I love you guys stay blessed and above all stay in your damn lane.

Addiction Avenue part 2…

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Coiled under my bed cover
Sweating quivering shivering
I had made a huge mistake
It felt like my whole life was over
I needed professional help a helping hand

I felt myself screaming inside
But my voice had gone from the drunken nights
I really missed my high but I had to sober up
My life in circles round and round making me feel dizzy
School had me at halo books screaming the loudest
I needed to quiet the loud voices in my head
Madness was springing up I was done
Mental illness what is that?
Is this you?

My mother’s embrace was all I needed
Confiding in her was dreadful
Sobbing I said hello and I hung up
She knew I was not myself
A mother always feels the pain in her child’s voice

Overwhelmed by emotions school was a drag
I failed to write exams too high
Not knowing redemption was near
Feeling inadequate snuff me in a bag

I became a hub of negative energy
Cold inside failing to focus on the finer things in life
Death seemed a blessing I just wanted to continue messing up my crappy life
But God was always there watching and waiting for me to come back to life..
TO BE CONTINUED!
Last part of the series is the juiciest watch out for it!
I love and appreciate you guys thank you for your unwavering support.

Bittersweet journey

Being in the prime years of my son’s life is such a total bliss and I cherish every single moment that God blesses us. I am a very active mother to a star boy who is my own definition of happiness. He is now 3 and half years and it has been a glorious journey. Malachi is one of the reasons I never give up on my dreams and aspirations his mere presence pushes me to be the best version of me. The whole idea of single parenthood is a bittersweet journey and it is very demanding in all its glory. My boy is now in the phase where he is very inquisitive about almost everything going on around his magical world. You remember when I mentioned in my other previous posts that I dread the day when he will ask me why me and his dad didn’t work, well the day is nearer than I thought.

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My son is a very intelligent boy who seeks answers to why certain things happen the way they do. Sometimes to be honest it is very overwhelming and I sometimes struggle to give answers to his rather wise questions. One day innocently he asked me why I was always watching inspirational stuff and I answered him without giving it much thought. I said because I like to be always happy. Little did I know he was going to ask me an important question and he asked him ‘Asi you are not happy nhai mama’. At that moment I realized that my son was pretty brainy as he always asks these follow up questions. Sometimes it’s annoying but I realized that I needed to exercise my patience muscle. As a parent you are obliged to listening to your child and give the best answers to their innocent questions because in true honesty you are the most direct influence.

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I have committed myself to giving my son only the best of everything in my capacity at that time because I realized that I influence his little world a big deal. Having a male figure for him to look up to is absolutely important because it will shape the man that he will become. At the moment my older brother is the ever present influence that he has. It is important for him to have a role model who is a good example who will teach him right from wrong good from evil with the basis of Christianity. Sometimes to be honest I just want the time to freeze so that we both stop getting older but again I cannot wait to see him blossom into a wonderful young man. Malachi is growing so fast on a daily basis and its cute to watch him learn some things by himself. His first bike ride I promise you my heart was literally in my hands I was terrified that he would fall dramatically and hurt his little body. Well he did fall but not as dramatic as I imagined he would and that’s how he learned to ride his little bicycle. I want to tell a parent out there that it is okay to let our children learn somethings by themselves because that is what strengthens their inner core and that is how they grow to be strong people.

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I am always learning new things when it comes to parenting Malachi and my recent lesson is that of developing a consistent routine with him and it has bared tangible fruits. We have a night time routine whereby we gather up as a family and pray together and share how our day went. Malachi is always the most enthusiastic of us all as he is always so excited to share his very interesting day and be the first one to pray as well. Sometimes he makes me wonder if we spent the day together because his day is always different from mine yet we spent it together. It is definitely in the way he explains it with the childish but funny expressions accompanied with such innocence that lights up the whole room. I am truly blessed to have been entrusted by the Almighty with such a beautiful soul, I am forever grateful. Thank you guys for being consistent by showing me your love I am blessed to have you in my dear life. Till next time stay blessed and keep loving life. Oh and by the way Addiction Avenue Part 2 series is coming soon be sure to look forward to it it’s going to blow your mind. Lots of hugs and kisses! I shall leave you as always with an inspiring quote, ‘Greatness is nothing but many small littles.’ – Proverbs

Addiction Avenue Series…

Sitting on the tiled cold floor I could literally hear my heart pounding in my own chest. I was terrified of what seemed at that time as a normal bad habit not knowing that I had dived into an addiction. Not long ago before this incident I was a good social alcohol drinker who seemed to have it under control. I watched myself happy and lifted whenever I drank a little more than required, I became more social, more quizzical, more intelligent and more rewardingly more confident. I lived for moments like these were I could just be myself and not care about my next moment. The people I hung out with seemed to like the high me and they said the cheesy statement, ” you are more fun when u are drunk”. On days when I was sober I sunk into depression as that statement, silly though but it affected my own self-esteem and it deteriorated by the day.

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To be honest I do not have an exact date that I can point out and say this is the day that I became totally dependent on alcohol. Everything happened so damn fast that I remember glimpses and moments that I was sober other times I was just tipsy-drunk. Funny thing is noone ever noticed that I was abusing alcohol until I hit a low and I got admitted into hospital for substance overdose when I was in university. This is the first time me telling anyone truthfully about the reason I got admitted in hospital, even my mum doesn’t know about this.

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This sends a chill down my spine but I am going to tell it anyway because I am a survivor and I surely want to help someone who is suffering from an addiction to rise above their addiction. It’s not an easy road it’s bumpy stony curved and sometimes you can go in circles for a long time. It’s pretty hard to come to terms with the fact that you an addict of any sought most times we hide beneath a thick carpet of fake living that we end up tired and exhausted, feeling drained and unhappy. My turn around moment was when I almost died in that hospital. That is when I put my feet down and I said to myself I deserve better treatment of myself than this crap. But listen I didn’t go cold turkey cause I knew it wouldn’t work. So I decided to do 21 days of not drinking and if it works positively I’m quitting for good. Those were the worst 21 days of my life I was having withdrawal symptoms, sweating like a pig I couldn’t sleep I was restless. My life was just messy!

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A mistake I made was bumping into a stupid article that recommended getting over an addiction with a new addiction. Guess what, at that time I thought it was the best idea ever and I decided to substitute alcohol with marijuana. I even feel like slapping myself right now for making such a dumb decision. Okay but to be honest weed did help me stabilize a little and I could sleep and my appetite was back. After the 21 days I felt like a hero not knowing that a new addiction had creeped in. Now I couldn’t do without marijuana and for the life of me I sunk into depression and begun having massive anxiety attacks. At that point in my life I knew I needed professional help but I didn’t love myself enough to go out and seek for it. I was literally stuck in a rut. Things got worse I was now juggling alcohol, marijuana and school. Everything just seemed so consuming I wanted to die because I had relapsed and failed myself again… TO BE CONTINUED!